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Get Kinky with It - How to Propose BDSM to Your Partner - a blog by Lux Fetish

Get Kinky with It - How to Propose BDSM to Your Partner

If you’ve been living under a rock, BDSM can sound like the name of a tech conglomerate or a high-end advertising agency. However, most people know that BDSM is just a reference to some freaky sex. It’s important to introduce BDSM into your sexual lexicon for several reasons if, for no other, you’ve likely already seen or engaged in some element of BDSM. As BDSM becomes more widely discussed in mainstream media and casual conversations, you want to what you’re talking about and what you are getting yourself involved in, or not.

What does it mean?

BDSM as a categorical definition is an informed consensual erotic play between adults where there is an exchange of mental or physical power and/or control. The letters themselves stand for:

Bondage

Dominance/Discipline

Sadism/Submission

Masochism

But they tend to be grouped according to their balance. B/D (bondage/discipline), D/s (dominance /submission, S/M (sadism/masochism). Overall, BDSM is a catch-all used to refer to all the communities, activities, relationships, and subcultures affiliated with the spectrum of BDSM.

The Breakdown

Because it encompasses entire subcultures, it has it’s own terminology so there’s quite a bit to learn. To introduce BDSM, the most common and important terms and their meanings include: 

Bondage - Physical restraint. This doesn’t have to be sexual, but in the world of BDSM, it does have an erotic element to it. Bondage can be done with cuffs or ropes and can graduate to chains or spreader bars.

Discipline - Psychological restraint. This comes with a set of rules and punishments. Punishment can include pain, humiliation, or captivity.

Dominance - Asserting control in an exchange of power. 

Submission - Relinquishing control in an exchange of power.

Sadism - Pleasure from inflicting plain.

Masochism - Pleasure from receiving pain.

Dom/Domme - Short for dominatrix, this person is the dominant sexual partner in BDSM play.

Sub - Short for submissive, this person is the submissive sexual partner in BDSM play.

Switch - A person who can switch back and forth between being the dominant and submissive partner in BDSM play.

Play - refers to a specific stretch of time agreed upon by everyone involved. It is also frequently referred to as a scene or a session.

RACK - Risk Aware Consensual Kink

BB BDSM Tips

Now that you know the basics, understand that there are levels to BDSM. Beginners often introduce BDSM by starting off light and playful with soft cuffs, a blindfold, or maybe some spanking (love taps) with the hand or small leather paddle. A little more intense is wax play, bondage rope or tape, or ball gags. From here, play can segue into bed restraints, swings, masks, and floggers. Still, these can be considered on the less intense part of the spectrum. BDSM can serve as a lifestyle, where play is no longer just an agreed upon period of time, but a way of life that is experienced 24/7/365. 

Now that you are a little more clear on what BDSM actually is, maybe you want to have a conversation with your partner to introduce BDSM into your sexy time. Some things may sound interesting or exciting and you feel eager about trying them out. Some others may seem intriguing, but also intimidating so you feel a bit more cautious. Either way, introducing BDSM by whipping out a pair of cuffs on an unsuspecting partner is not the coolest thing you could do. There may be sensory issues or traumas that you aren’t aware of. What may be sexy to you could be devastating to your partner.

Making the Introduction

One way to introduce BDSM to your partner is to mention an article you may have read that mentioned some activities. Or, if watching a show, and you see an element of BDSM, have a chat about it.

“That looks like it could be fun! What you think?”

“Have you ever _____ before? I think I might like to try it”

You can take some of the edge (wink) off by thinking of trying a new cuisine. How would you talk about eating at a place where the food has rave reviews, but is different from anything you've ever tasted?

“I’m not sure about bedspreaders but what’s the harm in trying?”

The truth is, you need to have the conversation on order to know what your partner is up for, and to let them know where your interests lie. Text messaging is a great tool for this. You can either follow up this initial conversation by texting teasing pics and conversations or you can start the conversation via text.

“Spank me.”

That’s sure to get a response at the very least, and can lead to a fruitful conversation.

Set Boundaries

Once you’ve had sufficient talk about what you want to do to introduce BDSM, it’s time to be more specific. You will need to set strong boundaries. This means establishing a place, like a specific room in the house where you are comfortable to have your first session. It also means setting a date and time. Thursday from 7-9PM. This allows you to mentally prepare and also to set your scene.  You may want raunchy Night of Romance with flowers, feathers and satin or you may want to go nasty and naughty with leather, restraints, and blindfolds. During this boundary conversation, you will need to discuss limits. What are you looking to do specifically? What are you open to? What are your hard boundaries?

“I really like the idea of handcuffs and bed restraints. I’m not sure about the flogger, but we can try it and see. Absolutely NO TICKLING.”

Again, there are levels to these boundaries. Maybe you like the flogger, but it’s only 730PM and you aren’t sure you can handle another hour and a half. We have safe words for this specific reason. Safe words are words you can call out to let your partner know how you’re doing. The traffic light system is the universal go-to, and allows you to use signifiers for how you’re feeling.

Green - Go - Avocado

Yellow - Slow down/less intense please - Pineapple

Red - Stop everything right now - Tomato

You don’t have to use these specific words, but it’s important to establish words that you wouldn’t use ordinarily during a sexual situation. Yes/No/Stop aren’t the best, so be creative, or feel free to use these. 

Dom or Sub

This is also the conversation where you will establish who will be dominant, who will be submissive, or if either, both, or all of you agree to be switch. What these boundaries look like are very different when comparing Dom and sub perspectives. There is a common misconception that the Dom is in control, but in truth, the sub chooses to give the Dom control and can take it back at any time. It is an erotic and kinky way of placing trust in your partner. The Dom shouldn’t want to do anything to violate their sub’s trust. This can look like the Dom taking the initiative to check in with their sub to see if they are okay. 

In short, the sub decides what they want, when, and where, and keeps everyone abreast of any changes. The Dom creates a play session with the rules set by the sub. If anything should change, the Dom has to be able to pivot quickly, making the necessary adjustments. 

When setting parameters, the Dom also has a right to say what they are comfortable with. Some Doms have no problems with pain and punishment as pleasure, but they draw the line at captivity. The nuance of this interplay can sometimes make the boundaries conversation long, but in the end, in ensures that everyone has RACK and safe, sane, and consensual sex, no matter how raunchy.

Adding the Fantasy

Some couples/groups find it easier to create a scenario in order to introduce BDSM to their bedroom (or dungeon).  Some common fantasies include teacher/student, boss/employee, doctor/nurse. This form of role play can include costumes to help you get into character. Even though the language may be around being punished for not having your homework finished, or forgetting to bring in your hard drive for work, the actual play may require some inspiration if you have a personality completely different from what you exhibit during BDSM play.

You can have your sub wear a collar. This might be perfect for the psychological effect, but if you want to take it a step further, add a leash and walk your partner like a pet. 

Make your partner crawl to you, or beg for certain treats. A treat can be an action, an object, or any other “reward” you can think of.

You can restrain your partner and alternate between pain and pleasure. Try switching between oral sex and spanking with a leather strap.

You can make your partner masturbate, but don’t allow them to come. This is called edging, and is a great way to establish control.

Introducing BDSM means creatively and compassionately using all the tools of bondage, sensory deprivation, impact play, and immobilization to dominate your partner. It also means thinking through and establishing boundaries so that you can safely submit to your playmate. Keep in mind, your partner can be a new friend or an old love. What matters is that you trust them, and they are safe and sane to “play” with. 

It can be fun to introduce BDSM, as long as you keep in mind that there is no particular way to start your journey. Everyone has to start somewhere, and if you don’t see whips and chains exciting you just yet, that’s perfectly fine. If you have ever smacked ass or grabbed hair during sex, you are already a player. Being more intentional in your role as a Dominant or a submissive is going to be your game changer.

 

 

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